Dec 01 2013
So I was moping around the house worried about the white board and the list of bills with balances not dropping fast enough. We are in the middle of a three week period with without pay and not 100% sure when the next paycheck is coming. I’m not freaking out but my appetite has shutdown and my stress is skyrocketing. Anyway we go to the movies because the isolation of being stuck in the house is getting to me and end up buying a $1000. tool set for a mechanic’s job that we are hopeful for someday. 3 MONTHS AWAY, 6 MONTHS, A YEAR, I DON’T KNOW.
(Source: spankmebabyxx, via flowers-in-her-hair)
Nov 18 2013
The voices in my head are working overtime this month since all my income is coming from the Internet and I don’t have any cash coming in from work. A lot of bills are due next week and right now sales are a little slumpy and that always makes me wonder if I have run out of good stuff to sell, or lost my luck, or whatever…a years worth of predictable high sales and I still have zero confidence stored up. Stupid of me.
Now Master has signed up for a bunch of OT to bring more money in and my guilt is heavy. The central vac breaks and I feel it’s my fault, house insurance, property taxes, all kinds of expenses we would never have if we lived in a crappy apt out in the middle of nowhere in Oregon.
I can’t help but feel all the responsibilities we have are my fault, because he moved in with me. This part of the relationship I am terrible at, I blame myself for all the hard stuff, all the challenges, and the cons. Why can’t I take responsibility for the pros? We live in a beautiful house within walking distance to a great beach and enjoy a huge amount of privacy in a beautiful setting. Hot tub in the backyard, healthy animals, each other. Why do I constantly blame myself for not reaching some imaginary financial goals? Why do I cause myself so much pain by living in the future and saying “when”. When we catch up on the bills, when we can start saving money, when, when, when. It’s madness.
And you know what is totally hard? Reconciling Income brought in and expenses. I am earning a lot less than him but using up the hot water, the electricity, the food…what the hell is that kind of thinking about?
These things weigh heavy on me and I don’t know how to make it better, logic can never “cure” troubling emotions.
Nov 18 2013
There’s no telling him that’s a cat toy, now it’s his “Chickie”
Nov 16 2013
biggest version of this I have ever seen…would be stunning in sofa size
Nov 10 2013
Still packing up my closed shop….and some people came in and bought some udder trash that is slated to go to the dump. So I have the last $2. I have made which I feel is a nice kinda end souvenir. Most people have the first dollar they made in their shop framed….I have the first tip I ever made bar tending tucked in a box of old paints. When something is done I like it swept under the rug, over, gone, forgotten. Maybe thats because of my insistence on labeling episodes from my past as terrible failures. Will it be different this time? Probably not but I can sure really really try.
Nov 09 2013
So much progress was made packing up the shop today. At the end of something it’s natural to have memories of the beginning and who was there with you and what kind of person you used to be. And it’s so good to be 8 years away from that. I grew up more in the 8 years since I quit drinking than I did in the first 38 years of my life. So if you need to change know that it is an evolution, a process and there will be passages along the way you will look back on and not be so proud of or happy about. Sober people makes tons of mistakes, fall down on icy driveways, get their hearts broken and get in trouble…they just can’t blame alcohol for it anymore. Silly as it sounds you have to make then into life lessons and remember it is useless to remain angry or disappointed with someone. Be the more advanced being and remember to be compassionate and forgiving…as difficult as that may be.
(Source: ahsgifs, via belladonnadream)
Nov 09 2013
Nov 09 2013